It’s been over 2 two months since I’ve played or fucked and I’m getting antsy. Since GeekDomme moved, I’ve been on a handful of dates and a handful of I-totally-thought-this-was-a-date-but-apparently-nots but nothing of substance has formed. To be honest, this is probably for the best right now as I’m working ~40 hours a week, taking two classes (one being Latin) and TAing a third class. Add in CrossFit and a dwindling social life and I don’t have a lot of time for potential dating anyway. So I’m at the post breakup stage where everything has stabilized and I’m back to worrying about bettering myself than I am about specifically finding someone. Although this time around I’ve also cut casual play from my normal repertoire, leaving me itching for play so at least some kind of physical intimacy sexual or not.
Since I’m back in the middle of a school semester, my stress and anxiety are at an all time high, which has the added effect of larger and more frequent mood swings. I’ve had a few bad drops lately with each time coming to the conclusion that two main things will lift a lot of stress: finishing school (2 classes left), and losing weight (or, more accurately, feeling attractive). The second one is important because I have never truly felt attractive. At this point the reasons are not important, or at least not worth diving into. What is important is that if I feel attractive, my confidence would rise and to feel attractive I need to be conventionally physically attractive.
In April, I started doing CrossFit. It was a radical change. For years I’ve had a gym membership and gone handful of times a year. Since starting CrossFit, I’ve been working out on average 3 times a week. Food consumption, however, is still a huge issue for me. It probably would be appropriate to say I’m addicted to food. It’s literally killing me. And, since it runs in my family, Type-2 diabetes is a real concern if I continue my current path. I needed to find a radical change to my nutrition like CrossFit was for my exercising. So I did. A local health system offers a comprehensive weight control program that includes internists, psychologists, nutritionists and physiologists coupled with group support sessions and cooking classes. So I’m taking the plunge. In two weeks, I’ll have my first appointment to get a body scan, blood work, and get going.
This decision was a difficult one. Unlike CrossFit, which has a lot draw besides the accountability, I feel that this weight control program is something that I don’t really need to do, but know that my current and past attempts at weight loss have not worked. Signing up was a huge blow to my ego. But if it works, it will be life changing. I want to be hot. I want a six-pack and an Apollo’s belt. I want to get tied up, photographed, and hit the top of K&P. If this makes me vain, so be it . I’m sick of how I look. I’m sick of being fat. I’m sick of sucking wind after a climbing a single flight of stairs.