This is theoretically a sex and relationship blog, but I seem to not be writing about much of either lately (or at all, for that matter).
So, I’m a kinky pervert who has been active in the local BDSM, queer, and poly scenes for almost three years. I would venture to guess that most people are already relatively versed in sex before they get involved sexually liberated communities, let alone three years in. I, however, am not well versed. Barring one failed experiment a couple of months ago, I haven’t had sex in over a year and count the total number of times I’ve had sex on my two hands. I won’t lie, it’s frustrating.
I’ve “blamed” some of my lack of sexual experience on demisexuality in some cases. I do think I’ve passed up probable opportunities for sex and could have more opportunities if I tried but I have not been comfortable enough to pursue these prospects. So, wanting or needing more emotional intimacy may play a part, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.
In my head, I feel like I’d prefer some level of sexual promiscuity and spontaneity in my life. Exploratory bits of fleeting romance and intimacy as I have a taste of all that life offers. Maybe a one night stand with a guy in France with a language barrier adding to the absurdity. Perhaps a passionate but short-lived romance with a woman in south-east Asia as we backpack together for a few weeks. These are some examples of my head fantasies. In reality, I never do this, even on a more local and reasonable scale. Could I? I’d like to think so.
Now confidence, or lack thereof, plays into this a lot. The past three years have been nothing but life-changing for me. The biggest jump I’ve made is being able to actually ask people out with relative ease. I’m much better at picking up signs of reciprocated interest and have confidence that people actually like me and that I’m actually likable. But that seems to have only pushed the anxiety further down the line to initiating intimacy. That’s my new barrier.
I flirt and kiss with reckless abandon, but much past that is a roadblock still. Certainly a big part of it is not wanting to be pushy. There’s a line between sexually aggressive initiator and pushy and I’m deathly afraid of crossing it. Staying too far on the other side is not helpful either and can look like disinterest. I need to be able to move closer to that line without ever crossing it and be confident doing so.
The other issue is simple lack of experience. Currently, my sexual experience pretty much solely is on my back being ridden. Actually being on top or behind or otherwise thrusting is simply something I don’t actually know how to do. My sexual interests range the full-scale from bottom to top to switchy to violent and primal. Having really only experienced the former, I lack basic sex skills. Adding to that, I pretty much only date kinky people now, so basic thrusting while also pulling hair or something seems ridiculously complicated.
This might come as a big surprise, but it turns out that many dominants like to get fucked and have their partners initiate. *Gasp.* So even in a D/s context or with sexually aggressive partners, I need to be able to do more than lie there.
In the meantime, this means I’ll need to find partners who are both patient enough as I get the hang of things or even provide a guiding hand as I earn Sex XP.