It’s been almost two years since I started exploring kink, exploring my sexuality, and exploring what I wanted to get out of relationships.
For the most part, I don’t see what I’m looking for.
I see pieces here and parts there, but as I look out on the relationships around me, the longer term, romance-based F/m D/s relationships are largely not there. I can think of literally one in my local area (and a handful of M/f in the style I most seek).
I’m somewhat at a lost of what to do. I feel like ‘looking’ for someone isn’t the answer, or at the very least looking for such a specific dynamic isn’t. (For the record, throughout the process, I haven’t excluded potentials who weren’t looking for D/s, although I my personal ads do center on it.)
I’ve had friends suggest that I ‘build-a-dom’ (that is find an open-minded vanilla woman and try to get her interested) or simply relocate to an area with a larger kinky dating pool.
Going to events has largely lost its appeal as well. Events are supposedly the place where you’re supposed to meet potentials (says every newbie kink guide) but dropping $20 for every party gets expensive quick. Given my lost of interest in casual play with people I have no emotional connection to, the problem is only compounded – I sit and socialize a bit with people who call themselves my friend (but God forbid we actually do something besides a kink event) and get bored quickly. At least as a bright-eyed newbie, the idea of getting on a cross for some impact or thrown into handcuffs was exciting. Watching isn’t event that great any more – the sound of whips and floggers make it hard to converse.
So my first step was to close my CollarSpace and OkCupid accounts and removing role and ‘looking for’ fields on FetLife.
My hope is that I can focus on what I did before I got into kink – having meaningful, emotionally close relationships with handful of people. If one or more turn into something, great. If not, I won’t worry. Worrying is taking up too much of time, too much of energy, and too much of my focus.