In the perfect D/s world, you find the dominant or submissive of your dreams and anything she ever says he’s willing to do without arguments. More realistically, this will never be the case. It’s all sunshine and roses as long as you agree on everything (or as long as he is willing to concede).
What I’m curious about exploring, then, is conflicts in these relationships. It hits especially close to home for me because while I have an opinion on everything, the things that I really, truly, care about are things that are incredibly difficult (if not impossible) for me to concede on. This has led to people telling me that I’m not submissive. And although I hold that there have been general D/s compatibility issues in these cases, I do think it’s something I need to dissect internally.
For starters, I think that the ability to resolve conflict is just about the most important thing in any type of relationship. I hate passive-aggressiveness and letting things fester. In D/s relationships, the ante can be even higher, since, at least for me, a huge draw of D/s is lowered conflict due to power exchange.
Even a simple example of choosing where to go for dinner can be conflict in many vanilla relationships, and I’ve seen it. In D/s either she is going to choose or she is going to delegate and tell me to choose and it’s done. In the case of a delegation, I have no qualms about making the decision as I’m trusting that she really doesn’t want to be bothered, whereas in vanilla relationships, there can be the underlying threat of making the wrong decision. (i.e. passive aggressiveness). For me, D/s seems to reasonably solve a lot of the day-to-day decision making like this.
As the dynamic and relationship grows, so do the severity and importance of decisions involved. The D/s may eventually start to cover health, finance, and career decisions. I’ve called in sick to work at someone’s direction before and I still do not think that it was the correct decision and I really struggled with it. As an independent contractor, that’s a direct loss of income. Now the decision isn’t just health-based but starts to bleed over into other aspects of life (finances).
Figuring out how to best navigate these kind of conflicts is something I see as absolutely critical and, if done correctly, I believe it can bring people even closer and reaffirm the dynamic even more. From the sub side, being able to trust enough to give up more and more control so that potential conflicts are less and less a possibility is important to me as well.
How do you handle conflict in your relationship?