I want

I want you to tease me till tears.

I want you to poke and pinch and scratch and bite.

I want to hear your sadistic laugh and your moans of pleasure.

I want you to take me, control me, and own me.

I want you to pet and cuddle me.

I want you to take care of me.

I want to wake up, still bound, your skin against again mine.

I want to do it all again.

I want you.

But this is about what you want.

What do you want, Ma’am?

Antsy

It’s been over 2 two months since I’ve played or fucked and I’m getting antsy. Since GeekDomme moved, I’ve been on a handful of dates and a handful of I-totally-thought-this-was-a-date-but-apparently-nots but nothing of substance has formed. To be honest, this is probably for the best right now as I’m working ~40 hours a week, taking two classes (one being Latin) and TAing a third class. Add in CrossFit and a dwindling social life and I don’t have a lot of time for potential dating anyway. So I’m at the post breakup stage where everything has stabilized and I’m back to worrying about bettering myself than I am about specifically finding someone. Although this time around I’ve also cut casual play from my normal repertoire, leaving me itching for play so at least some kind of physical intimacy sexual or not.

Since I’m back in the middle of a school semester, my stress and anxiety are at an all time high, which has the added effect of larger and more frequent mood swings. I’ve had a few bad drops lately with each time coming to the conclusion that two main things will lift a lot of stress: finishing school (2 classes left), and losing weight (or, more accurately, feeling attractive). The second one is important because I have never truly felt attractive. At this point the reasons are not important, or at least not worth diving into. What is important is that if I feel attractive, my confidence would rise and to feel attractive I need to be conventionally physically attractive.

In April, I started doing CrossFit. It was a radical change. For years I’ve had a gym membership and gone handful of times a year. Since starting CrossFit, I’ve been working out on average 3 times a week. Food consumption, however, is still a huge issue for me. It probably would be appropriate to say I’m addicted to food. It’s literally killing me. And, since it runs in my family, Type-2 diabetes is a real concern if I continue my current path. I needed to find a radical change to my nutrition like CrossFit was for my exercising. So I did. A local health system offers a comprehensive weight control program that includes internists, psychologists, nutritionists and physiologists coupled with group support sessions and cooking classes. So I’m taking the plunge. In two weeks, I’ll have my first appointment to get a body scan, blood work, and get going.

This decision was a difficult one. Unlike CrossFit, which has a lot draw besides the accountability, I feel that this weight control program is something that I don’t really need to do, but know that my current and past attempts at weight loss have not worked. Signing up was a huge blow to my ego. But if it works, it will be life changing. I want to be hot. I want a six-pack and an Apollo’s belt. I want to get tied up, photographed, and hit the top of K&P. If this makes me vain, so be it . I’m sick of how I look. I’m sick of being fat. I’m sick of  sucking wind after a climbing a single flight of stairs.

Conflict in D/s relationships

In the perfect D/s world, you find the dominant or submissive of your dreams and anything she ever says he’s willing to do without arguments. More realistically, this will never be the case. It’s all sunshine and roses as long as you agree on everything (or as long as he is willing to concede).

What I’m curious about exploring, then, is conflicts in these relationships. It hits especially close to home for me because while I have an opinion on everything, the things that I really, truly, care about are things that are incredibly difficult (if not impossible) for me to concede on. This has led to people telling me that I’m not submissive. And although I hold that there have been general D/s compatibility issues in these cases, I do think it’s something I need to dissect internally.

For starters, I think that the ability to resolve conflict is just about the most important thing in any type of relationship. I hate passive-aggressiveness and letting things fester. In D/s relationships, the ante can be even higher, since, at least for me, a huge draw of D/s is lowered conflict due to power exchange.

Even a simple example of choosing where to go for dinner can be conflict in many vanilla relationships, and I’ve seen it. In D/s either she is going to choose or she is going to delegate and tell me to choose and it’s done. In the case of a delegation, I have no qualms about making the decision as I’m trusting that she really doesn’t want to be bothered, whereas in vanilla relationships, there can be the underlying threat of making the wrong decision. (i.e. passive aggressiveness). For me, D/s seems to reasonably solve a lot of the day-to-day decision making like this.

As the dynamic and relationship grows, so do the severity and importance of decisions involved. The D/s may eventually start to cover health, finance, and career decisions. I’ve called in sick to work at someone’s direction before and I still do not think that it was the correct decision and I really struggled with it. As an independent contractor, that’s a direct loss of income. Now the decision isn’t just health-based but starts to bleed over into other aspects of life (finances).

Figuring out how to best navigate these kind of conflicts is something I see as absolutely critical and, if done correctly, I believe it can bring people even closer and reaffirm the dynamic even more. From the sub side, being able to trust enough to give up more and more control so that potential conflicts are less and less a possibility is important to me as well.

How do you handle conflict in your relationship?

Rollercoasters: not as fun as they look

In looking back at my emotional states post break up, a pattern emerges. See below.

Rollercoasters: not great

Rollercoasters: not great

As we can see, I have a bit of a delayed response to breakups. I hold steady on my current heading for a couple of weeks. I justify it in my head. All logic. It wasn’t going to work, hence the breakup. Why waste energy being upset about it? I’m usually back to OkCupid and scouring FL ads within the first week. If I’m lucky I may even go out on a date or three in the next couple weeks.

As I enter week 3, however, it all starts going downhill. At this point I’m done actually meeting people, but even more fervent about checking dating sites for the ‘perfect’ match. At this point I may even create a CollarSpace profile. shudder

Then we get to where I am about now. Week 6, roughly. The low point. Despite logic, despite having done this a few times, I get the self-loathing. I’ll never find anyone again. Life sucks. I’m unattractive (knowing, of course, that being mopey about it is likely the most unattractive thing at this point). Who would want me? Blah. blah. blah.

Of course I know, logically that none of this is true, but the emotions come out in force anyway. Even when a friend tried to cheer me up, I burst out in tears for no reason. Not my best work.

But! The good news is that since I’m here, it’s all uphill looking forward. Plus I got to make a sweet bit of graph porn. So there’s that. Additionally, I seem to be handling this low point better and better each time. So even if ‘perfectionist’ JT isn’t happy with it, ‘always-striving-to-be-better’ JT is. And I like the latter guy more, anyway.

Aftercare

Aftercare is that lovely time when the scene is over and both top and bottom can come down from their respective highs. While the type of aftercare may differ from person to person, I reckon some form of aftercare is needed after every scene. Maybe it’s a simple check-in text the next day, maybe it’s a brand new pony, or maybe it’s some cuddles, but some kind of aftercare should be done.

Unfortunately, I get stuck in the position where I play casually a lot and do so with tops that aren’t big on the cuddly closeness type of aftercare that I need. Aftercare is negotiated, so this isn’t some sort of surprise or anything – I know what I’m getting into. However, when the options are between limited aftercare and no play, I’ve always chosen limited aftercare.

As many of my readers know, I’ve long distinguished between casual play and romantic/relationship play. I have largely ignored my aftercare needs when it comes to casual play in an effort to explore and play as much as possible. As of late, however, I’m starting to pull back from such a gung-ho approach to kink as I approach the end of my second year of kinky adventures. Tonight is a perfect example. I had a choice of three parties tonight. A week ago I was fretting about which one I would go to. The day of, however, the interest just wasn’t there, even knowing I could assuredly find someone to play with at any of the three.

I could go and play. Play with friends, people I enjoy playing with. Alas, people I also am never going to be in a relationship with. So I ask myself: do I want to go and play, have a bit of fun, then crash for a day or three afterwards as I sort through complicated feeling towards people I wouldn’t have those feelings for otherwise? The answer is a resounding “no”. At least today. A glass of water and a cookie is nice, but it really isn’t enough. Not today.

So as my aftercare hope-sos become aftercare needs, I find myself less interested in casual play as well. There are only a handful of “types” of scenes I’ve actually experienced and they have long since passed the “let’s try it, for science!” phase. So, perhaps if I get the chance to do something new, I’ll jump on it, but for my standard play, it’s started to lose its luster and the lack of cuddly aftercare no longer makes it worth it. I’d really like to ramp up the kinds of play I do, but I simply cannot without a solid relationship base first.

Power exchange in the 21st century

There is a lot of wisdom in loving yourself first and foremost – especially when it comes to how others perceive you. Self confidence (real or constructed) goes a long way to being a person others wish to spend time with and effort on. Added to this is the age old adage that you should be happy single before you can be happy in a relationship. There is truth to that as well, though I think there is an interesting discussion to be had in how that plays into contemporary D/s relationships.

This thought comes about after watching the second episode of Downton Abbey, in which a character not use to privileged life scoffs at his newly appointed valet. What kind of career is it for a grown man to serve another? Later in the episode he is reminded that the valet gains a sense of self worth from his duties and that is not something one should scoff at.

How then, do we reconcile these two concepts in modern D/s relationships? Even with my D/s “goal” being as it is (24/7 TPE), I still have a career and education that I will continue to pursue throughout my life. Other submissives may prefer homemaking (which I’m likening to Downton Abbey’s Edwardian era servants, in this case) as their career choice instead. In both cases, however, a great sense of self worth is garnered from submission, both in specific acts service or mental side of submitting. With a greater sense of self worth comes a greater confidence, which, in turn, makes a more attractive person. How then does today’s submissive feign that extra bit of confidence while single? Where can they get that self worth?

Well we could follow the internet’s three steps following a divorce (something about hiring Facebook, hitting a lawyer and deleting the gym), though my little trick is try to think of (or know from previous relationships) a lot of the little things a future dominant is likely going to want anyway, and work on those. Now, D/s is a very powerful force for me, more so than pure willpower a lot of the time, but for whatever reason, I find it much easier to disappoint myself than I do others. It’s hard for me to be accountable to myself. This is why Crossfit has worked so well for me (and hopefully our upcoming team nutrition challenge as well).

Although not as powerful as an actual D/s dynamic, this sort of Mind Mistress does help. I do not think that this can be the final stop, though. Being able to achieve goals purely for self is important, and I don’t believe doing things for imaginary partner counts in that regard. It’s a start though.

I am interested in the tips and trick of others though so please post below. Also, a question for dominants – when and/or if you are single, have you run into any of the same issues, on the other side of the slash? Does having a submissive of your very own help iwht your self worth and self confidence, or is it immaterial?

In which I get a greater sense of what I like

I’ve been back in the dating world for a few weeks so it’s interesting to once again to reflect on how attraction works for me as a shift through another period of searching. First off, I suppose, is that I shouldn’t ‘search’. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that posting seeking ads do not work (for me). Regardless of the reasons behind this, I have never received a response from a discrete ad. In fact, it is generally when my expectations and effort are lowest that interested parties pop up, so hopefully writing this post doesn’t piss on fate too much.

I find that attraction breaks down into four parts for me: physical, D/s, emotional/romantic, and pragmatic. My follow up to this, then, is that I’ve yet to met someone (or perhaps have and don’t yet know it) whom I’m attracted to in all four ways. Given this, polyamory certainly has its merits, though I’m not sure this is the post to talk about that.

Anyway, let’s start with a low hanging fruit, physical attraction. There are likely billions of people I am physically attracted to – women, men, and those in between. And, out of all possible physical traits, I think it’s smooth skin does it most for me – likely since I am very tactile and touch is my my primary love language. Pure physical lust after a random hottie, however, is rare for me. It is only when emotional/romantic get layered in do I get the oh-my-god -I-must-have-you-now kind of thoughts.

This gets complicated though, because unlike some (most?), I find it nigh impossible to separate emotional attraction from romantic attraction. And, since I generally have emotionally close relationships with a lot friends, it also means that I am romantically attracted to many people at any given time. Yes, probably you.

As you may know, D/s is kind of my thing. As I go through profile after profile of dominants on FetLife and CollarSpace, there numerous that play right into my D/s fantasy and several that hit the D/s reality points too. It all sounds great. Realistic TPE, matching kinks and all. For all the dominants I know in-person, as well, that aura of dominance is there and it is great. However, more often than not it seems, there is something. Something that reads just slightly off. A certain word used. Perhaps a description of a scene. Even with other traits all lined up, it doesn’t take much for me to realize the D/s just isn’t going to work. Or will only work part time or for a short period. Could I eventually trust this person with my social security number? It doesn’t take me long to make that judgement call.

Then there’s the pragmatic side. These are the almost boring, but important, life questions. Do they have a career? Savings? A good credit score? Can I see myself moving across the country or asking the same of them for work reasons? Would I be uncomfortable introducing them to my family? Bringing them to my employer’s Christmas party? Would they go to a gaming convention with me? Travel Europe with me? Basically, is there really, truly, the possibly of a long-term relationship with this person, fully integrated into each others’ lives?

So, it’s not uncommon for people I meet to two or three levels of attraction (and different combinations, at that). It’s that four I want. The four I need. I know they are out there, somewhere. As rare as a four leaf clover, perhaps, but it will be all more exciting when I find them (or they find me).

Styrofoam rocks

No, not like: “Yay, styrofoam, you’re so awesome!”

More like, “Look at that rock, all sturdy and shit. Oh, never mind, it’s made out of styrofoam.”

I feel like a styrofoam rock.

People tell me regularly how easy I am to talk to, how calm and collected I always am and other such things. Part of it is the whole not expressing emotions and my general stoicism. Either way to leads to a rock-like demeanor (that’s totally a thing).

Inside though I feel like the slightest jarring is going to flaking bits and pieces away while I struggle to hold it together. I know the feeling will pass and that I’m just in a low spot momentarily. But if anyone has some of whatever holds styrofoam together, please send some. Cheers.

On sharing

I’ve always struggled with sharing emotions. I certainly have them but sharing them with others, presenting them to the world, is scary for me. Growing up, I was much more keen to share emotions but Western socialization of masculinity teaches boys and men not to openly share emotions other than anger. Thus, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings private in order to fit in.

These days however, I’ve learned that sharing emotions appropriately is just as important has withholding them appropriately. It’s all about context. As it turns out, I’m really good at withholding them. I’m known for being stoic (and to new people, this can come off as unfriendly) and even hold the nickname of ‘Robot’ to a select few who think I don’t have the capacity for feeling. While this is untrue, I do understand how I come off and have to (and have been) work on correctly expression emotion. Especially when asked directly, I tend to fumble and mumble trying to turn a whirlwind of thoughts into coherent sentences. This blog, then, is a helpful tool that allows me to structure my expression away from the awkwardness I feel in face-to-face situations.

Even my confidants mostly live in virtual space (barring my best friend and therapist), where I can take the time I need to type out thoughts and feelings. This also provides a layer of abstraction – a safeguard, if you will – from emotional stress since online confidants would have a much harder time hurting me and in general are removed enough from my day-to-day life to have any reason to hurt me either.

I think a lot of this struggle comes to my nature to think of things in black and white. This goes far beyond expression emotion and has been a fairly constant issue (turning in a paper a day late? might as well drop the class now!). On the emotional front, this has troubled me in the past as well. Growing up and into my early college life, I would tend to bottle up emotions, letting them out in outburst of anger, infatuation, happiness, ect. As this is unhealthy, I’ve worked very heard to moderate expression of emotions, though I still feel like this particular skill is one that still needs a fair amount of work. Luckily I now have the self-awareness to at analyze and tweak each new situation, even when I don’t handle them as up to par as I would like.

Another end and new beginnings

For those who haven’t been following along, GeekDomme and I had our first date on New Years Eve and, barring a couple week hiatus, have been together for about 7 months. About a month ago, we moved into what she deemed “friends with D/s benefits” and last week we decided to finish the split (completely amicably) and remain friends. Despite issues of distance, she just got a new job several states away, only adding to the problem, so the end was near anyway. (If you know who she is/how to contact her, make sure to congratulate her on the new position.)

I am glad for the time we spent together, though. I think I can safely talk for the both us when I say it was a tremendous learning experience. She was several “firsts” for me and my first real taste of what an in-person D/s relationship could be. In fact, I think our relationship goals as far as D/s goes match up quite well – had other variables been different, we may have made a good long term couple.

Alas, that was not the case. For both us, D/s is as much in the little day-to-day things as it is in the hot kinky play, and it’s just too difficult to allow those acts to flourish when we live 90 minutes apart. Doing a 3 hour round trip to make her some coffee seemed a tad unrealistic.

Looking forward, I’m quite happy where my life is right now, both in the vanilla and pervert realms. After about 18 months of being active in the local community, I’ve started to branch out from my usual groups and events and have met lots of wonderful new people in recent weeks.

One thing I’ve noticed is that my emotional state post breakup is much better than it has been in the past. I attribute this mostly to GeekDomme, who had been encouraging me to meet others in recent weeks and who I knew would make the final exit friendly and drama-free.

As I continue on my kink journey, I am, for the time being, (and, perhaps, regrettably) setting aside 24/7 D/s as an absolute requirement. While I may be attracted to several people at any given time, sometimes for the emotional connection and sometimes to their dominance, it seems incredibly hard to find potential partners who are into the same style of power exchange relationships while also being compatible in all the other ways I require. But what I have learned (seemingly forever ago now) is that I won’t compromise my own happiness and other areas of compatibility just for the sake of being in a D/s relationship.

What this breakup also means is that I will likely start blogging more again. As it seems to happen, I post more when I’m not in a relationship because when I’m in one, which seems counter intuitive – really what’s going is I’m discussing things with my partner and they become resolved long before I feel the need to blog about them.

Keep on keeping on, kinksters.