I’ve been back in the dating world for a few weeks so it’s interesting to once again to reflect on how attraction works for me as a shift through another period of searching. First off, I suppose, is that I shouldn’t ‘search’. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that posting seeking ads do not work (for me). Regardless of the reasons behind this, I have never received a response from a discrete ad. In fact, it is generally when my expectations and effort are lowest that interested parties pop up, so hopefully writing this post doesn’t piss on fate too much.
I find that attraction breaks down into four parts for me: physical, D/s, emotional/romantic, and pragmatic. My follow up to this, then, is that I’ve yet to met someone (or perhaps have and don’t yet know it) whom I’m attracted to in all four ways. Given this, polyamory certainly has its merits, though I’m not sure this is the post to talk about that.
Anyway, let’s start with a low hanging fruit, physical attraction. There are likely billions of people I am physically attracted to – women, men, and those in between. And, out of all possible physical traits, I think it’s smooth skin does it most for me – likely since I am very tactile and touch is my my primary love language. Pure physical lust after a random hottie, however, is rare for me. It is only when emotional/romantic get layered in do I get the oh-my-god -I-must-have-you-now kind of thoughts.
This gets complicated though, because unlike some (most?), I find it nigh impossible to separate emotional attraction from romantic attraction. And, since I generally have emotionally close relationships with a lot friends, it also means that I am romantically attracted to many people at any given time. Yes, probably you.
As you may know, D/s is kind of my thing. As I go through profile after profile of dominants on FetLife and CollarSpace, there numerous that play right into my D/s fantasy and several that hit the D/s reality points too. It all sounds great. Realistic TPE, matching kinks and all. For all the dominants I know in-person, as well, that aura of dominance is there and it is great. However, more often than not it seems, there is something. Something that reads just slightly off. A certain word used. Perhaps a description of a scene. Even with other traits all lined up, it doesn’t take much for me to realize the D/s just isn’t going to work. Or will only work part time or for a short period. Could I eventually trust this person with my social security number? It doesn’t take me long to make that judgement call.
Then there’s the pragmatic side. These are the almost boring, but important, life questions. Do they have a career? Savings? A good credit score? Can I see myself moving across the country or asking the same of them for work reasons? Would I be uncomfortable introducing them to my family? Bringing them to my employer’s Christmas party? Would they go to a gaming convention with me? Travel Europe with me? Basically, is there really, truly, the possibly of a long-term relationship with this person, fully integrated into each others’ lives?
So, it’s not uncommon for people I meet to two or three levels of attraction (and different combinations, at that). It’s that four I want. The four I need. I know they are out there, somewhere. As rare as a four leaf clover, perhaps, but it will be all more exciting when I find them (or they find me).