JT Revner

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Power exchange in the 21st century

Posted by on Sep 1, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

There is a lot of wisdom in loving yourself first and foremost – especially when it comes to how others perceive you. Self confidence (real or constructed) goes a long way to being a person others wish to spend time with and effort on. Added to this is the age old adage that you should be happy single before you can be happy in a relationship. There is truth to that as well, though I think there is an interesting discussion to be had in how that plays into contemporary D/s relationships.

This thought comes about after watching the second episode of Downton Abbey, in which a character not use to privileged life scoffs at his newly appointed valet. What kind of career is it for a grown man to serve another? Later in the episode he is reminded that the valet gains a sense of self worth from his duties and that is not something one should scoff at.

How then, do we reconcile these two concepts in modern D/s relationships? Even with my D/s “goal” being as it is (24/7 TPE), I still have a career and education that I will continue to pursue throughout my life. Other submissives may prefer homemaking (which I’m likening to Downton Abbey’s Edwardian era servants, in this case) as their career choice instead. In both cases, however, a great sense of self worth is garnered from submission, both in specific acts service or mental side of submitting. With a greater sense of self worth comes a greater confidence, which, in turn, makes a more attractive person. How then does today’s submissive feign that extra bit of confidence while single? Where can they get that self worth?

Well we could follow the internet’s three steps following a divorce (something about hiring Facebook, hitting a lawyer and deleting the gym), though my little trick is try to think of (or know from previous relationships) a lot of the little things a future dominant is likely going to want anyway, and work on those. Now, D/s is a very powerful force for me, more so than pure willpower a lot of the time, but for whatever reason, I find it much easier to disappoint myself than I do others. It’s hard for me to be accountable to myself. This is why Crossfit has worked so well for me (and hopefully our upcoming team nutrition challenge as well).

Although not as powerful as an actual D/s dynamic, this sort of Mind Mistress does help. I do not think that this can be the final stop, though. Being able to achieve goals purely for self is important, and I don’t believe doing things for imaginary partner counts in that regard. It’s a start though.

I am interested in the tips and trick of others though so please post below. Also, a question for dominants – when and/or if you are single, have you run into any of the same issues, on the other side of the slash? Does having a submissive of your very own help iwht your self worth and self confidence, or is it immaterial?

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In which I get a greater sense of what I like

Posted by on Aug 31, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

I’ve been back in the dating world for a few weeks so it’s interesting to once again to reflect on how attraction works for me as a shift through another period of searching. First off, I suppose, is that I shouldn’t ‘search’. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that posting seeking ads do not work (for me). Regardless of the reasons behind this, I have never received a response from a discrete ad. In fact, it is generally when my expectations and effort are lowest that interested parties pop up, so hopefully writing this post doesn’t piss on fate too much.

I find that attraction breaks down into four parts for me: physical, D/s, emotional/romantic, and pragmatic. My follow up to this, then, is that I’ve yet to met someone (or perhaps have and don’t yet know it) whom I’m attracted to in all four ways. Given this, polyamory certainly has its merits, though I’m not sure this is the post to talk about that.

Anyway, let’s start with a low hanging fruit, physical attraction. There are likely billions of people I am physically attracted to – women, men, and those in between. And, out of all possible physical traits, I think it’s smooth skin does it most for me – likely since I am very tactile and touch is my my primary love language. Pure physical lust after a random hottie, however, is rare for me. It is only when emotional/romantic get layered in do I get the oh-my-god -I-must-have-you-now kind of thoughts.

This gets complicated though, because unlike some (most?), I find it nigh impossible to separate emotional attraction from romantic attraction. And, since I generally have emotionally close relationships with a lot friends, it also means that I am romantically attracted to many people at any given time. Yes, probably you.

As you may know, D/s is kind of my thing. As I go through profile after profile of dominants on FetLife and CollarSpace, there numerous that play right into my D/s fantasy and several that hit the D/s reality points too. It all sounds great. Realistic TPE, matching kinks and all. For all the dominants I know in-person, as well, that aura of dominance is there and it is great. However, more often than not it seems, there is something. Something that reads just slightly off. A certain word used. Perhaps a description of a scene. Even with other traits all lined up, it doesn’t take much for me to realize the D/s just isn’t going to work. Or will only work part time or for a short period. Could I eventually trust this person with my social security number? It doesn’t take me long to make that judgement call.

Then there’s the pragmatic side. These are the almost boring, but important, life questions. Do they have a career? Savings? A good credit score? Can I see myself moving across the country or asking the same of them for work reasons? Would I be uncomfortable introducing them to my family? Bringing them to my employer’s Christmas party? Would they go to a gaming convention with me? Travel Europe with me? Basically, is there really, truly, the possibly of a long-term relationship with this person, fully integrated into each others’ lives?

So, it’s not uncommon for people I meet to two or three levels of attraction (and different combinations, at that). It’s that four I want. The four I need. I know they are out there, somewhere. As rare as a four leaf clover, perhaps, but it will be all more exciting when I find them (or they find me).

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Styrofoam rocks

Posted by on Aug 18, 2014 in Blog | 2 comments

No, not like: “Yay, styrofoam, you’re so awesome!”

More like, “Look at that rock, all sturdy and shit. Oh, never mind, it’s made out of styrofoam.”

I feel like a styrofoam rock.

People tell me regularly how easy I am to talk to, how calm and collected I always am and other such things. Part of it is the whole not expressing emotions and my general stoicism. Either way to leads to a rock-like demeanor (that’s totally a thing).

Inside though I feel like the slightest jarring is going to flaking bits and pieces away while I struggle to hold it together. I know the feeling will pass and that I’m just in a low spot momentarily. But if anyone has some of whatever holds styrofoam together, please send some. Cheers.

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On sharing

Posted by on Aug 7, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

I’ve always struggled with sharing emotions. I certainly have them but sharing them with others, presenting them to the world, is scary for me. Growing up, I was much more keen to share emotions but Western socialization of masculinity teaches boys and men not to openly share emotions other than anger. Thus, I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings private in order to fit in.

These days however, I’ve learned that sharing emotions appropriately is just as important has withholding them appropriately. It’s all about context. As it turns out, I’m really good at withholding them. I’m known for being stoic (and to new people, this can come off as unfriendly) and even hold the nickname of ‘Robot’ to a select few who think I don’t have the capacity for feeling. While this is untrue, I do understand how I come off and have to (and have been) work on correctly expression emotion. Especially when asked directly, I tend to fumble and mumble trying to turn a whirlwind of thoughts into coherent sentences. This blog, then, is a helpful tool that allows me to structure my expression away from the awkwardness I feel in face-to-face situations.

Even my confidants mostly live in virtual space (barring my best friend and therapist), where I can take the time I need to type out thoughts and feelings. This also provides a layer of abstraction – a safeguard, if you will – from emotional stress since online confidants would have a much harder time hurting me and in general are removed enough from my day-to-day life to have any reason to hurt me either.

I think a lot of this struggle comes to my nature to think of things in black and white. This goes far beyond expression emotion and has been a fairly constant issue (turning in a paper a day late? might as well drop the class now!). On the emotional front, this has troubled me in the past as well. Growing up and into my early college life, I would tend to bottle up emotions, letting them out in outburst of anger, infatuation, happiness, ect. As this is unhealthy, I’ve worked very heard to moderate expression of emotions, though I still feel like this particular skill is one that still needs a fair amount of work. Luckily I now have the self-awareness to at analyze and tweak each new situation, even when I don’t handle them as up to par as I would like.

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Another end and new beginnings

Posted by on Aug 4, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

For those who haven’t been following along, GeekDomme and I had our first date on New Years Eve and, barring a couple week hiatus, have been together for about 7 months. About a month ago, we moved into what she deemed “friends with D/s benefits” and last week we decided to finish the split (completely amicably) and remain friends. Despite issues of distance, she just got a new job several states away, only adding to the problem, so the end was near anyway. (If you know who she is/how to contact her, make sure to congratulate her on the new position.)

I am glad for the time we spent together, though. I think I can safely talk for the both us when I say it was a tremendous learning experience. She was several “firsts” for me and my first real taste of what an in-person D/s relationship could be. In fact, I think our relationship goals as far as D/s goes match up quite well – had other variables been different, we may have made a good long term couple.

Alas, that was not the case. For both us, D/s is as much in the little day-to-day things as it is in the hot kinky play, and it’s just too difficult to allow those acts to flourish when we live 90 minutes apart. Doing a 3 hour round trip to make her some coffee seemed a tad unrealistic.

Looking forward, I’m quite happy where my life is right now, both in the vanilla and pervert realms. After about 18 months of being active in the local community, I’ve started to branch out from my usual groups and events and have met lots of wonderful new people in recent weeks.

One thing I’ve noticed is that my emotional state post breakup is much better than it has been in the past. I attribute this mostly to GeekDomme, who had been encouraging me to meet others in recent weeks and who I knew would make the final exit friendly and drama-free.

As I continue on my kink journey, I am, for the time being, (and, perhaps, regrettably) setting aside 24/7 D/s as an absolute requirement. While I may be attracted to several people at any given time, sometimes for the emotional connection and sometimes to their dominance, it seems incredibly hard to find potential partners who are into the same style of power exchange relationships while also being compatible in all the other ways I require. But what I have learned (seemingly forever ago now) is that I won’t compromise my own happiness and other areas of compatibility just for the sake of being in a D/s relationship.

What this breakup also means is that I will likely start blogging more again. As it seems to happen, I post more when I’m not in a relationship because when I’m in one, which seems counter intuitive - really what’s going is I’m discussing things with my partner and they become resolved long before I feel the need to blog about them.

Keep on keeping on, kinksters.

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Distance

Posted by on Jul 21, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

GeekDomme lives 90 minutes away. Due to scheduling conflicts, it is rare that I am able to spend the night at her place, leaving me with 3 hours of driving anytime we want to be together.

This is incredibly shitty.

For me, with power exchange as my major kink, the day-to-day things play a huge role in keeping a D/s dynamic alive and well. We do the” good morning/good night Ma’am” thing, and she is in control of my orgasms, but other than that, there just isn’t much else we can do.

Now, when we are together we enjoy each and have fun, but our relationship is really, as she puts it “friends with D/s benefits.” Which, while nice, is not enough for either of us, especially in the long term

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