JT Revner

Kinky, sexy, submissive awesomeness

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Distance

Posted by on Jul 21, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

GeekDomme lives 90 minutes away. Due to scheduling conflicts, it is rare that I am able to spend the night at her place, leaving me with 3 hours of driving anytime we want to be together.

This is incredibly shitty.

For me, with power exchange as my major kink, the day-to-day things play a huge role in keeping a D/s dynamic alive and well. We do the” good morning/good night Ma’am” thing, and she is in control of my orgasms, but other than that, there just isn’t much else we can do.

Now, when we are together we enjoy each and have fun, but our relationship is really, as she puts it “friends with D/s benefits.” Which, while nice, is not enough for either of us, especially in the long term

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A clever title about journeys and paths

Posted by on Jun 8, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

One of the best things about humans is our adaptability. We change. We grow. In general we can take what life throws at us, spin it around, and throw it back. There’s plenty of faltering and questioning in this process. A small jump forward may be followed by face in the mud, but I’m writing this in a positive mood, so I’m assuming a net positive over time.

Part of this journey we may (read: do) misrepresent ourselves to others (and, frankly, ourselves as well) unintentionally. This, in particular, has been an issue in my career where my tempered bravado in professional settings lands me positions I’m not qualified for. Sometimes I’m able to step up and learn as I go, but on the occasions where I cannot, the failure is crushing. However, you are probably not that interested in whether or not I can code myself out of a paper bag.

This relates heavily to my kink journey as well. My identities have become increasing fluid in the last few months and it seems that it is difficult to represent myself appropriately to everyone I might come across, which is because of this fluidity. I want to be clear in that I don’t think I’m necessarily representing myself incorrectly, but rather that I can mold into one of several different grouping of identities depending on the context – all of them real and valid to me, even if it might be confusing to others who experience JT in multiple contexts. A really obvious example of this is that I don’t go to work in leather pants and a spiked collar.

The problem then is when I represent myself in some way and it turns out to be invalid, or at least not completely true. This is not something I do intentionally. In fact, often, I want to be whatever *it* is, but when it becomes clear I am not, it can be disappointing to myself and those around me. Like Miss Pearl’s Wildcard, I wanted to be a super masochist, as I hoped it would make a more attractive partner in the D/s dating scene. I’ve found however that my masochism is limited, and, more importantly, that that’s okay. For me, pain specifically doesn’t get me off, but because physical touch is my primary language of love, pain in the context of a greater range of tactile sensation is welcomed.

In a D/s context, I’ve found that the types of control I am willing to give up has changed as well, which actually has a lot to do with my self-confidence, which I personally feel is the wrong way to go about being submissive, but one reason I was drawn to it originally. As I gain confidence in the ‘rightness’ or my own decisions, over a broad areas of life, the less likely I am to want to give up control of them. Again, to be clear – I want to give up control. My dream of 24/7 D/s is still alive and well. But I have found it more difficult over time, rather than easier – which is what I expected. I’m not entirely sure where this leaves me going forward, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.

The biggest problem I face, then, is making sure I don’t inadvertently hurt others along the way as I continue to explore and learn about myself – while at the same time making sure I don’t sacrifice my own happiness.

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In which one word is not adequate to describe me

Posted by on May 12, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

I’ve posted a lot about labels and identities recently as I wade through my thoughts. I’ve come to a resting place (for now) and updated my FL profile and am posting it here for posterity’s sake.

On the vanilla stuff

The down and dirty first. I’m in college with about a year of undergrad left (Journalism & Screen Studies and Women & Gender Studies, double major) and plan to continue into grad school afterwards. Currently, I work as an app developer at a high paced start-up.

I have a wide range of vanilla interests (of note are psychology, social justice, and sci-fi/fantasy media) and thrive on interesting discussion first and foremost. I enjoy the finer things in life, like to dress up when I can, and would love to learn ballroom dancing with a willing soul. I also do CrossFit several times a week in an effort to get in shape.

I’m extremely empathetic and take great care in both the emotional and physical well-being of those close to me.

I blog at http://jtrevner.com.

On identity

I have often struggled with the boxes that various kink identities put us in. In general, I don’t feel that any one word is descriptive or nuanced enough to fully capture all of my interests. However, you will see ‘sub’ at the top of my profile, as I think it most closely refers to my outlook on kink and relationships – but I urge you to continue reading for the whole story.

On submission

One friend has described my version of submission as being a ‘pet gentleman’ – which I have taken a liking to. My preferred relationship style is a D/s one, with romance at its core – power exchange is by far my biggest kink. Girlfriend/boyfriend, Dominant/submissive, partners in crime. At once, both compatible in vanilla and kink interests. I am not interested in being a secondary or in a D/s-only relationship. I’m greedy and want it all!

I want to kneel at her feet, not simply because she is a dominant, but because she is the woman I cherish and care for most. I want to do things for her for the simple enjoyment of making her happy.

On switching

When it comes to play, however, I am a switch, or rather, *can* switch. As above, my enjoyment comes from others’ pleasure. If someone’s pleasure comes from pain, then, I am happy to oblige. I am a reaction junkie all the way so whether it’s the sadist’s laugh, the masochist’s moans of pleasure-pain, or the dominant’s “good boy,” I want to be the one that caused it.

On play

I’m all about power exchange and the trust flows between me and my partner (whether for a party, for life, or somewhere in between). S&M, bondage, and all the other physical kinks are icing on the cake and a manifestation of that trust. I am a very tactile person, so closeness and touch are important to me in play – I don’t need a lot of toys or equipment to enjoy a scene.

Play comes in two very different forms for me. Casual play, with friends, is all about testing limits, both my own and theirs. For some, their body is a temple – mine is a laboratory; a science project. I am very open to casual play and do so regularly at parties and events. In these cases, gender and biological sex are not important to me.

The second kind of play for me is play within the context of an ongoing relationship. It can be fun and silly, painful and dark, purely primal and sexual, teeth gnashing. This kind of play is raw and emotional, saved for behind closed doors, and shared only with my partner.

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Masocast interview

Posted by on Apr 28, 2014 in Blog | 0 comments

Back in December, Axe interviewed me for his podcast Masocast. It aired last night and you can check out the recording here: http://www.masocast.com/2014/04/27/jt-revner/

An addendum to it since I discuss my virginity: I’ve had sex since then! Yay!

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On switching

Posted by on Apr 27, 2014 in Blog | 1 comment

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I have a dislike of labels. Perhaps, more specifically, the narrow boxes that we apply labels too. Finding labels that fit me is becoming increasingly difficult and I feel like depending on the context, I will use different ones.

In my vanilla life, whenever the topic of my sexuality comes up, I will and have identified as any of the following: heteroflexible, bisexual, pansexual, gynephilic, or functionally straight. It seems expected in the kink community that we are supposed to identify along some rigid labels as well.

My kink identity is complicated. I don’t particularly identify as a switch because my preferred relationship style is one of being a submissive in a D/s relationship. But I have at least enjoyed some of the topping I’ve done. While the physical act of topping does not do much for me (as bottoming does), it plays into the I-want-try-everything mindset I have for living the human experience. For instance, as a bottom, the casual platonic play still gives me the physiological pleasure of endorphins, whereas in a D/s relationship, bottoming is a very different experience (even when endorphins are involved).

But neither do I *need* to top within a specific relationship. When GeekDomme and I were first talking, she had a very specific “no switches” requirement – I believe due to past switches, at some point, wanting to top her, creating an unwanted situation. For me though, our dynamic has never been remotely switchy, so the idea of topping her is completely foreign to me.

Though, I’ve met plenty of s-type or switchy women who I certainly could see myself topping (or have) and that’s the nature of those relationships, or how our energy is exchanged while playing, chatting, ect. But I still don’t like the identity of switch because I think it falls too far from where I feel. I liken it how some bi people have trouble with that identity because they feel it gives the wrong impression if they like one side of gender scale more than the other.

My base enjoyment of kink still comes in two forms – the purely physical, which I consider to be casual/platonic bottoming and making others feel good/doing things for others, which can take it’s form either as a submissive or a service top. In the latter case, the specific actions are less of a concern – the person I’m doing them for and the dynamic makes all the difference. This is why I don’t identify as a service sub either. Service in general isn’t hot, sexy, or kinky for me but I see it as part of D/s relationship (when required by the dominant) and as such does not bother me in the least.

So, the part of kink for me, physical and emotional/romantic end up manifesting themselves in different, and often, confusing ways. This is why communication is critical relationships in general, but kinky relationships specifically. I’m sure (I know) I’m not the only one with similar head turbulence, but it exists because of the labels that everyone wants to use – labels which, of course, can be useful for navigating the oft complicated kinky dating scene, but rarely tell the whole story themselves.

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Little white lies

Posted by on Apr 14, 2014 in Blog | 12 comments

I dislike lying. A lot. Like really a lot. Because of this, I am generally quite blunt and it can get me into trouble sometimes, or at the very least cause awkward situations.

One of the big things that drew my to kink, and specifically D/s, when I first started exploring was that it seemed that total openness and communication was a basic requirement – perhaps even more so than vanilla relationships because there is no culturally derived ‘script’ to follow. Since all of my kinky relationships thus far have either been either directly or functionally poly in some form as well, I think it applies there as well.

Part of this communication is, of course, talking about unpleasant things, but sometimes things come up that really don’t matter to me and discussing them bluntly may create conflict of some sort that I would prefer to avoid. A super stereotypical example of this might be a question like “Do you think she is hotter than me?” I fucking hate these kinds of questions. Chances are there are people I find more physically attractive than a current partner but answering a question like this either way won’t yield a positive result either way (and personal history suggests that not answering the question is just a bad).

A current example and the catalyst for this post was about a month ago when GeekDomme and I were chatting online and discussing me eating her out – when the topic of taste came up. And I was blunt – she does not taste particularly pleasant to me. Now, I am well aware that bodily fluids in general do not taste particularly pleasant and my response was not meant in anyway to suggest that I did not want to preform on her or anything to that effect. So while I do enjoy eating her out, saying that I specifically enjoy the taste would have been a lie. Discussing the incident later, she made it known that this wasn’t particularly pleasant to hear, either. The conversation went on till it settled on ‘fine dining being an acquired taste’ or something to that effect.

At the end of the day, I don’t think the discussion needed to come about at all and had I answered differently, a more positive outcome would have come about. Which then begs the question, where do you, my readers, draw the line? Are you brutally honest all the time in your relationships (and I’m specifically intersected in D/s examples)? If you know a non-issue conflict can be avoided by bending the facts, do you do it? Is it more difficult for doms or subs? Does context matter or is it straight shooting everywhere, all the time?

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